So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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