So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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