Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
