My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
