He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
