Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
