the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
