Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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