there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
