Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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