we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
