i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize