I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
did i just pee glitter
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
