They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Terrible idea I love it
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
