the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
