I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize