dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
