I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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