Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
