need another drink. this is the easiest way
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
