you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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