The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
