dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
