Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
