Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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