$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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