Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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