So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
