he wants to bone in the snuggie
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
