Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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