your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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