Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize