an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
