I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
