This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
