gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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