someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
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