I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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