i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
