That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
