So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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