Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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