the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
