1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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