You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
In the future we'll all be gay
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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