he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
