He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
