I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
