I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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