she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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