i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
