It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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