The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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