Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
