in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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