is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
