I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
