You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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