Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
