I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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